I always wonder if my kids are really listening when we engage in conversations about significant topics. Are they truly getting what I’m trying to tell them? Am I paying enough attention and listening to what they have to say as well?

What I’ve learned over the years is that it’s never a one-time conversation. As soon as you open the communication channel, it becomes an ongoing dialogue that inevitably evolves into a deeper and more meaningful exchange as they grow older. The tricky thing is that these conversations usually happen when you least expect them, like when I’m exhausted and getting ready to go to bed, or when I’m about to hit play on my favorite Netflix show. However, I’ve tried to always make my kids feel welcomed and I’m grateful that they approach us for advice regardless of their not so perfect timing.

However, the communication flow with my middle schooler has been a different ball game than with my older daughters. I wonder if it is gender-related or simply because he’s growing up in a completely different world. It’s amazing how a five-year gap between them makes all the difference in the world technology-wise. Also, he has immediate access to information and ideologies that are not always accurate. And although we’ve delayed his contact to social media until het gets into 8th grade, he’s still exposed to all genres of content on YouTube, music, movies, tv shows, and video games.

Conversation starters that worked like a charm with my daughters are not really working to engage in conversations with my son. Sometimes when I try to explain a risky situation, for example, he closes the conversation channel with a: “I already know about all this stuff mom.” As soon as he feels treated like a little boy, he shuts down.

So, that’s why I think it’s crucial to assure him that from now on, he’ll be treated as a young adult instead of a little boy so we can have that communication channel always open.

Another big change that I’ve noticed is that engaging in conversations during our commute is usually annoying for him, there’s just too much seriousness about them and that’s not the best scenario to make him feel comfortable and chatty. What works better with him is to bring out topics during a quick basketball game in our backyard, while walking our dog, or during a bike ride. A more active conversation is the way to go, although unfortunately there’s not always time for those moments

I was talking to him the other day about the risks of underage drinking and substance abuse, and I was surprised to see how he sees those risks as something he’ll have to tackle in the future, when he gets to high school, however, he needs to know that it’s a subject he needs to be aware and ready for it right now and that he needs to have the right tools to say no and understand how dangerous underage drinking is.

That’s why last week I attended a virtual webinar with three amazing Responsibility.org specialists who talked about how to engage in significant conversations with our middle schoolers on these important topics. The most amazing thing is that according to a recent study conducted by Responsibility.org, parents are still the number one influence on their kids when they’re faced with the decision to drink or not to drink.

Today I share with you the panelists’ tips:

• Let your kids know it’s ok to say “No”. A tip to make it easier to say no to their friends is to have a set phrase or blame external things like an early soccer game the next day or something like “My parents will kill me.”

• The pandemic has left us with drastic changes in family dynamics impacted by stress and uncertainty. There’s been 50% more exposure of alcohol to kids and more parents drank in front of their kids, so it’s crucial to give them a responsible drinking example so that they understand how it’s supposed to look. Show your kids that you can simply enjoy a drink instead of using it as a coping mechanism and teach them different ways to cope with stress like going out for a run or a walk.

• If your kids have already tried alcohol, it’s very important not to shame them and give them a chance to go back to a good path. Try to have a calm conversation using facts about why it’s not ok and try answering all their questions. The goal of this conversation is to understand what pressured them to drink and to come up with a plan to avoid a similar situation in the future.

• Consequences should be logical and attainable; however, communication is more impactful than consequences.

• A common question is: When should we start talking to our kids about responsible alcohol consumption and the risks of underage drinking? And the answer is: If they are seeing it, it’s time.

• Let your kids know it’s important for them to speak up and be a power of positive influence amongst their group of friends.

• Let them know that if they are ever in a risky situation, they can call you, no questions asked.

• Start conversations with your kids at a young age to establish an open communication channel.

• Let them know they have the power to make the next best choice.

• Never underestimate your power as a parent.

What stood out the most to me about the webinar is that we always must remember that we are still the number one influence on our kids. That we have the power as parents to impact our kids’ lives and those conversations are now more important than ever. Our words are our super power and they will stick and will help them cope during difficult times or risky situations.

To be a parent is not easy, and every kid is different, but the more information we can have from different sources and specialists, will give us the confidence and tools to educate them with love, purpose, and common sense.

They say when you have small kids you have small problems and when you have big kids you get bigger ones, and I couldn’t agree more. But communication is the key.

Don´t let that opportunity pass!

Panelists:

Phyllis Fagell

The school counselor at Sheridan School in Washington, D.C., and a therapist at The Chrysalis Group. Phyllis frequently writes columns on counseling, parenting, and education for The Washington Post, and she's the author of Middle School Matters (Hachette, 2019). Phyllis blogs at phyllisfagell.com.

Kimberly Van Dusen

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Registered Play Therapist. Theparentologist.com

Rick Birt

President & CEO, SADD (Students Against Destructive Decisions) SAAD.org