Our kids’ true sword and shield for life
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I get teary-eyed just to think about the topic I’m writing about today. To see my kids growing up has been a mixed feelings process involving joy, uncertainty, and yes, I must admit it, fear as well. My children are reaching that moment in their lives in which they’ll start their college adventure, and as much as I want to resist it, I know that moment will arrive sooner than later. I think my mind is ready for that moment, however, my heart is not, and I think it will never be.
As most of you know, I was born and raised in Mexico City and one of the most challenging cultural shocks I had to face was understanding that if my kids were to grow up in the U.S., they would probably spend their college years in a city away from home. And understandably so, because of all the wonderful opportunities and incredible schools you can find here scattered throughout all the country. However, that weird feeling of helplessness of knowing your kids are still immature to start their lives by themselves at 17 will inevitably arrive, and to my surprise, I’m just a few steps away from starting that whole process.
As you may have noticed, in the previous paragraph I used the word fear, an emotion with which I struggle every day and that I know I must set aside, because otherwise, it can end up ruling my life and my decision making. However, that emotion is very mischievous and from time to time it comes to visit me with premises like: I fear that my kids will make bad decisions, I fear that they’ll get their hearts broken, I fear they’ll get betrayed, I fear they’ll experience the profound sadness of disappointment, I fear they’ll go through horrible experiences, I fear they’ll never find their passion.
I understand perfectly well that we all must go through these experiences because they are what life is all about. I’ve been through all of them, and I’ve cried not once, or twice, but many times, however, no one ever told me how painful it can be to have to just sit and watch your kids go through them.
A conversation that comes up at my dinner table very often is the whole thing about what my kids would like to study in college and what would they like to do for a living. Some days they sound super excited about it, others they are not interested at all in the subject. I have no idea what process they’ll go through to find their passion, but I certainly remember mine, and today I want to share it with all of you
When I was 17 years old, I studied college in Mexico City, and I remember all the advice I got from family and friends when the time came for me to choose a career. They all seemed very interested in helping me understand that I needed to find a career that could help me find a “successful job.” However, out of all those conversations, I don’t remember anyone mentioning the word passion, find your passion? No, it doesn’t ring a bell.
At that age, it felt impossible for me to simply choose the one thing I was supposed to do for the rest of my life, so I chose a career that became a refuge for indecisive people like me, Business Administration.
One day during freshman year, I remember very well that one of my teachers approached me to suggest that I should probably consider changing my career to something related with design or visual arts. That idea sounded crazy because I was so convinced that what I was supposed to do was finish with a bachelor’s degree in finance so I could accomplish my main goal, have a “successful” job in the corporate world. The idea of making a career out of something so easy for me to do, like designing, drawing, or taking pictures sounded unthinkable. How could that career be taken seriously, I was raised on the belief that those careers wouldn’t get me to where I had the potential to get, that those were just hobbies.
Today I can say that I finished my Bachelor’s Degree in finance and that I was able to have a successful career in the corporate world for almost 8 years, however, creativity was always a missing piece of the puzzle, and that teacher’s advice still hunts me to this day. However, I find it truly amazing that since a few years ago, I can be making a career out of my creativity thanks to the wonderful world of blogging that I never thought would fulfill me so much, now I know exactly why.
After this long story about my college and professional years, you can imagine that conversations about “finding your passion” have become a recurring theme in my household. -find your passion, pay attention to what you enjoy, what’s your favorite subject? – when the reality is that I want to tell them, -so you don’t make the same mistake as I did! Yes that absurd idea of thinking that as parents we have the superpower to save our children from setbacks or misfortune.
However, when I listened to Julie Lythcott-Haims’ TedTalk I realized the huge mistake I was making with my kids, it was a very big “aha” moment as our friend Oprah would say.
Julie Lythcott-Haims’ TedTalk is called “How to Raise Successful Kids Without Over Parenting” based on her book and she talks about the pressure our kids feel to find a purpose or passion at a young age. It also talks about the hugely competitive world our children live in and how we saturate their lives with endless to-do lists with the sole purpose of forming a great curriculum for a college application. She also talks about how we overprotect them and withhold them from the individual freedom they desperately need.
As soon as the TedTalk ended, I remembered how many conversations I’ve heard of other parents talking about all the activities our kids “should” be doing or achieving to try to get into a prestigious university. It sounded so ridiculous to me at that time that I swore never to be part of those conversations again, however, as the years passed, and the parent pressure grew, I have morphed into that mom that I swore I was never going to be, a demanding and over-achieving mom. All masked behind the rationale of, -I´m helping them find their passion.
Julie Lythcott-Haims is a fabulous writer of books like ¨How to Raise an Adult¨, “Real American” and her third one, “Your Turn – How to be an Adult”, she’s also part of the Common-Sense Media board among many others. I had the chance to talk to her thanks to Responsibility.org and it was a wonderful experience.
During our meeting, I asked her what advice she would give my kids about experiencing pressure from their parents, teachers, and counselors of not only finding their purpose and passion at such a young age, but also to study it at the best school, and here is what she said:
There isn’t one linear path in life, adjusting and pivoting as you change throughout life is rewarding.
Let’s get rid of that idea, once and for all, that our children will be able to find their passion and purpose in life at such a young age. Let’s stop pressuring them and let’s give them the freedom to find their paths themselves. Now, that doesn’t mean we will turn around and stop caring, not at all. We just need to understand that they don’t need us or our protection to find success, understanding success as a happy and fulfilling life.
Let’s stop making out of our kids’ childhood a long to-do list of accolades and skills to learn. Our everyday words and conversations with them matter. If after school our first question is, how was the math exam? And what they want to share with us is all about their exciting lunch hour, we need to give them the chance to talk to us about both things with the same level of importance and treasure that they want to share their social life with us, that at the end of the day is also a very important part about school.
Help your kids identify not only what they are good at, but also if they love that thing, they are good at. There are stories of many sports players that lived a path of sports just because they were very good at it and it could lead them to scholarships and opportunities, without really asking themselves if they really enjoyed doing it.
There’s no question our jobs are an important part of our lives, however, human relations and how we show up to others is even more important.
Life is not about perfection, it’s about learning.
We must feel proud and excited about our kids always, no matter the outcome.
I would love to end this blog post with this last piece of advice Julie shared with me that I’ll treasure forever, that we must understand that the words and conversations we share with our kids matter. They impact our children’s lives.
So, we need to remember that the power of our words has great value, and the simple fact of making sure our kids know they are loved and supported no matter who they marry, what job they get, or what school they go to, will be their shield and sword now and forever. Today I can say I understood that that’s the only thing they need from me and I’m willing to give it to them with all my heart and love for the rest of my life.
