How Meghan Leahy’s Curiosity Technique Helped me during this Pandemic.
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"If you don’t have rupture at home during this pandemic, you’re not with them".
These words really touched my soul when I heard them from Meghan Leahy, a parenting coach, and columnist for the Washington Post, who’s also the author of several books on the same subject.
A couple of weeks ago, thanks to Responsibility.org, a group of bloggers and I had the wonderful opportunity to have a zoom session with Meghan to learn how to survive the chaos of parenting during this back to school pandemic.
This subject totally makes sense since this pandemic has us all living on the edge of our seats, and after six months we continue to evolve along with it. However, as a mother of independent school-aged teenagers, these past months have definitely been challenging, but I wouldn't necessarily describe them as chaotic. That's why Meghan's words made me dig deeper.
How do I know for sure that my kids are ok? Does this calmness mean that I'm not really paying attention?
During this journey called motherhood, I've experienced two moments of shocking clarity. The first one happened when I held my fragile and innocent baby in my arms for the first time and it clicked that this little person depended on me to survive. The second moment happened years later when I realized that that same little person now had a mind of its own and was an independent human being, no longer an extension of my own self.
Two hard moments that I'll never forget.
Now that my kids are teenagers, I’ve realized that my role as a mom has changed. From being the CEO of their “corporation” for many years where I use to make each and every one of the decisions revolving around their well-being, I've transitioned into one of the company’s board members who now has to let them take reign of their lives.
Of course, that doesn't mean that the rules have disappeared, we still have many clear and unbreakable rules, however, I have no choice but to trust the “company's” vision and mission we established together, respecting that now they make their own decisions without my opinion being necessarily the final say.
I’ve learned to enjoy this new board member role and now I even like it. My past as CEO betrays me from time to time, but I quickly return to my current position. To watch them grow into happy adults from a front-row seat is an exciting experience I enjoy very much.
However, Meghan's session made me realize how difficult it is now to really know the true well-being of my children. The teenage years "threats" are silent. Of course, as parents, I think we have a sixth sense that tells us when something is not right, but there are days when I miss the loud tantrums that my children used to have when they were young.
I miss knowing clearly and without a doubt that a terrifying scream meant that they were frustrated for not getting what they wanted, that those crocodile tears combined with boogers and gibberish words meant that they were in pain; how easy it was to know back then.
As I write this post in an almost quiet house, I realize how tempting it is to just continue my work and assume they're ok as long as I don't hear any discussions since I don't have a four-year-old pulling down my shirt to grab my attention anymore.
So my question to Meghan was: As a mom of teenage kids, how do I make sure that they are okay and that I'm not neglecting them, now that we are all busy working from home?
Today I share with you Meghan's techniques as a parent coach that have helped me a lot these past weeks that I'm sure they will help you too.
1. Acceptance: Ruptures are inevitable.
Now that we all work from home, our roles and activities have blurred the lines and frustration is inevitable, so it's important to accept that not everything is perfect and that we're all struggling.
The acceptance that emotional explosions are happening opens the door for us to amend them.
2. How to make a heartfelt apology:
We should all agree that we all make mistakes. Every member of the family will have an emotional explosion eventually, so the most important thing is to learn how to apologize. A sincere apology happens without the word BUT right after it, which invalidates it automatically.
"Sorry I yelled at you, BUT you didn't pick up your room"
Just saying, "Sorry I yelled at you" turns it into a genuine apology, a technique we want our children to learn as well.
3. Curiosity is key
When we have emotional outbursts with our children or partners, it is very common to feel guilt immediately afterward. Meghan says that to keep us out of shame, we should be curious and question why we flipped our lid or avoided the problem.
Curiosity is kind and makes room for mistakes in everyone.
For example:
I have noticed recently that everybody is irritable about silly things right around 7:00 pm. That is the exact time when I feel tired and my patience has run out and I often explode when my kids just can't stop arguing.
Immediately afterward I feel terrible remorse.
And that's exactly why instead of torturing myself with thoughts of what a horrible mother I am, I need to ask myself why did I explode? Form a place of compassionate and genuine curiosity.
Could it be that we were all hungry and dinner was not ready? Was it maybe that I scheduled the most demanding meetings around 6 pm and I ended the day feeling extremely tired? Could it be that I don't disconnect and continue working from the phone at that time instead of just being present with them
This is how this technique guides us to reality and helps us improve so that the next time it happens instead of feeling remorse, we analyze and avoid patterns by having identified the causes.
4. Family Meetings
The last recommendation, which has helped me a lot personally, is to have family meetings as we used to have them at the beginning of the pandemic. To hold a family meeting whenever we can to communicate all our needs, frustrations, or celebrations, gives our children a place to vent and express everything they have to say. We also give them the opportunity to ask us for help instead of just being silent. So, when we cannot pay much attention to them during the day, at least they’ll know that they will have time to vent with us eventually.
Scheduling fun activities for the weekend in advance also gives the whole family something fun to look forward to.
In conclusion,
I believe that these pandemic months are creating resilience in us and in our children although we do not see it right now, because as Meghan says, "it’s just that no one ever knows it when it’s happening."
Many thanks to Meghan Leahy for her helpful recommendations. Her book is called “Parenting outside the lines” and I highly recommend it, check it out here:
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